What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 16.06.2025 10:27
When she asked me how she looked .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
Why do I sweat so much at the gym?
But, we were locked up after school.
I think the readers, may guess!
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
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She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
What movies have not aged well?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
We were not on the streets..
Why would a person always be so tired?
Would this be the day?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
So, i spoilt her more .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
Ive learnt so much.
Why do White people love dogs more than humans?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Im still living with it.
She was in good health!
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
What are some of the most annoying movie clichés?
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
How do I overcome attachment issues?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
All the time i was locked up.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But it wasn’t much.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
And i lived it daily.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I write beautiful poetry .
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
My family never makes their pension either.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
We all went to grammer schools
She wouldn,t have been !
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
My life is so biszare .
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
This is soul school!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
What did i know ?
I had hoped to write a book about this .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
I was scared of men, in general
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I will be 64.
(And it was in our own minds.)
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Was to survive, this bastard.
She married twice! .
I was 9 years of age.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I couldn’t, believe it.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
So whats the point in blame.
I was very sick at this time too.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She found it foreign!.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I could never make a relationship work though!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Put me off passion for life!!
I did it because my mum asked me too!
I have no regrets .
Who then, do I blame.?
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i do to all so called friends.?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
But ive been too sick for many years..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I said to her
I don,t even have a pension.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Comes on , in middle age.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
It was going to be , some day.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Especially a lifetime of it.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She loved him until the end.
I was seconnd youngest,
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I waited trembling.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
One cannot live in the past .
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He knew the spot.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.